dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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