I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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