I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Your penis caused this!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
