well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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