i think my mom watched the whole time
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
