It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
