I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
