If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
