In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
