There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
