Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
