we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
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The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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