Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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