remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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