watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
