I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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