What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
