Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
