"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
