I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
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Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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