1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
