I looked at my own cervix.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
