I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
