youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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