I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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