he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
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professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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