my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
