Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
