you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We just shotgunned beers for America
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Damn victory sex feels great
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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