if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
this is an emotional support booty call
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
