I heard we made out
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
do herpes really smell.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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