i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
