Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
