I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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