I think my vagina is haunted
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
