We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
