I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dating After Heartbreak
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I need to calm my uterus...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.