Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
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WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
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Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....