new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Two words: nipple clamps
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