JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
