Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
worst night to have a conscience
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sorry about my life...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
