I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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