i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
