I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
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If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
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and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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