Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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