I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
