You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
