Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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