only if we run a train.
done.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
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Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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