I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
