In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
