i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
