hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
