Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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