i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
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Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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