I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
