im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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