Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
