Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
