and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
